Tag Archive | growth

Turn, Turn, Turn

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Change

I have looked at the cursor several times since typing that one word.  Cyberspace is still….strange to me at times.  People share at least what seems to be so much of themselves with virtual strangers.  Sharing abstract feelings, fantasies, euphemistic longings, memories….all of that is easy.

Sharing….personal life.

I have a very few very close friends.  They tell me I am like the layers of the earth.  I seem to “spill all quickly,” and then they realize after getting to know me further that that is just the first layer.  The layer of sharing that seems personal but it relatively easy to share.  The things that are fragile and intimate details and……private things are very private.

I think that is why it took a very long time for He and I to realize what was already true.  He was the first person in a very very long time who had penetrated the complex outer walls and really knew…..ME.  And because of His life…..I had been the same for Him.  We always knew and frequently reminded ourselves and each other that this was not for life.  This was for a time, for the purpose of awakening, for those initial steps into a journey we both had dreamed of taking.  He sent me a picture…..it was of something brand new, something that needed to grow.  We talked about the care with which it would be tended, and how once the roots had taken hold and growth was hearty, there would not be a need for the same kind of tending.  In other words, we would begin to grow together, and then that growth would eventually take us to the place we were grew better apart.

Ah….this is why the deeper layers are harder.  No poetry or racy stories 😉  I am not as free as He needs someone to be.  He needs more than I am free to give.  I crave……..something.  I know it is just out of my clarity, but it is….something.  I need regroup, wait, then think about taking the risk.

I called this post Turn, Turn, Turn because I love that song, and I have always loved that passage in Ecclesiastes.  Sometimes things are just for a season.

lesson in courage

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Sir has decided to quit smoking.

When Sir and I began corresponding and then talking on the phone, I had no idea he smoked. In fact, until I met Him for the first time in person, I did not know He smoked.  He is so very health conscious, fit, and into nutrition, I just assumed He was not a smoker.  It was not a deal-breaker for me.  he was and is always very polite, never smokes inside, always brushes His teeth 🙂  And besides, by the time I actually met Him for real…I was so besotted that unless He had lit ME on fire I wouldn’t have cared anyway (smile).

But now, for various reasons including health, He has decided to quit.  I have no doubt that He is.  When He decides something, He does it.  Period.  However, He did tell me that He wasn’t sure what His moods would be during withdrawal and if He considered Himself volatile or too moody He might become a hermit for a few days here and there.  He has been a bit detached but not as much so as I thought.  he also made a comment that rings uncomfortably true.  This will be a good learning experience for me in courage.  The courage to ask for what I need.

There are varied reasons why I am not as “brave” about this as I should be.  Most of it has to do with past baggage I am learning to lay aside.  Part of it is my upbringing melding with my own growing understanding of submission, and how they do not always mesh.  My M.O. has always been…if I reach out and someone does not seem overly responsive, I back off.  I would not want to seem….needy/obnoxious/unladylike/stalkerish/etc.  And, well, let’s just say that in 8th grade I was grounded for a month for calling a boy.  In my house – the girl does not call the boy.  That is forward.  The BOY pursues.

When I first began reading about D/s – articles and learning sites, I remember reading in a few places that the submissive is to ask the Dominant for consideration.  Boy was I thankful Sir and I were already together.  I can’t imagine anything more mortifying than getting to know a Dominant enough to want to serve Him, asking for something so…intimate…and hearing…”eh, I don;t think so.”  

But I digress…….So Sir has not slept well and is somewhat detached.  He has not commented at all on the last few assignments I have sent Him nor the infraction I confessed.  I am not whining. I am not an attention hog.  But I find myself at that place.  Where I am a little hesitant to send Him the funny email about work or the mushy moment I had where I just wanted to tell Him how much I appreciate ______.  I realize the irony.  Just a day or two ago I posted about how much Sir has helped me to grow in this.  And He has. I just realized today when I pondered over whether to send Him a song I had found that I have more growing to do.  That I need more courage to put myself out there regardless – just because it is who I am.

Sigh….I just love growing pains.