beginning a journey halfway through life


“what made you realize you were submissive?”

i have answered this question several times lately, from anonymous posters on a learning site, from the one close friend with whom i have shared my new journey, and from my Sir, with whom i am exploring the part of me that has been covered over for a very long time.

the difficult part is…..i am not sure how to answer.  i grew up in a wonderful household.  lots of love and care and two parents who love each other and always have.  a mother who was very successful in her career.  a father who was successful as well but who shared tears with his sensitive, creative daughter.  in the career and outside world they were strong leaders, the “bosses.”  at home….the dynamic between them was amazing and a wonder to watch.  and i always knew….THAT was what i wanted.

many years and, yes, some pain later…….this core of my self is finally finding expression.  it is challenging, new, complex, simple, freeing….and right.  in many ways it is like i am meeting myself for the first time….and i really like this new friend.  of course, there is no doubt in my mind that this new exploration is made as wonderful as it is because He is exploring with me.

i have so much to learn.  it is wonderful…..but difficult breaking those patterns that i forged for myself before submission but that never really fit.  even though they didn’t fit, they are still habits.  but i am learning and growing.  and it is…as martha would say…”a good thing.”