I have looked at the cursor several times since typing that one word. Cyberspace is still….strange to me at times. People share at least what seems to be so much of themselves with virtual strangers. Sharing abstract feelings, fantasies, euphemistic longings, memories….all of that is easy.
I have a very few very close friends. They tell me I am like the layers of the earth. I seem to “spill all quickly,” and then they realize after getting to know me further that that is just the first layer. The layer of sharing that seems personal but it relatively easy to share. The things that are fragile and intimate details and……private things are very private.
I think that is why it took a very long time for He and I to realize what was already true. He was the first person in a very very long time who had penetrated the complex outer walls and really knew…..ME. And because of His life…..I had been the same for Him. We always knew and frequently reminded ourselves and each other that this was not for life. This was for a time, for the purpose of awakening, for those initial steps into a journey we both had dreamed of taking. He sent me a picture…..it was of something brand new, something that needed to grow. We talked about the care with which it would be tended, and how once the roots had taken hold and growth was hearty, there would not be a need for the same kind of tending. In other words, we would begin to grow together, and then that growth would eventually take us to the place we were grew better apart.
Ah….this is why the deeper layers are harder. No poetry or racy stories 😉 I am not as free as He needs someone to be. He needs more than I am free to give. I crave……..something. I know it is just out of my clarity, but it is….something. I need regroup, wait, then think about taking the risk.
I called this post Turn, Turn, Turn because I love that song, and I have always loved that passage in Ecclesiastes. Sometimes things are just for a season.
I am sure that for almost any Dominant, it is a joy to have a passionate, glad submissive. To enjoy her spunk and spirit and laughter and to be lifted by her smile. To have her share her joys and achievements with her Sir and to embrace Him in her happiness. And believe me, I am a great proponent of joy, levity, gladness, and passion. It sharing it with and giving it to Sir only enhances it.
however, there is something very special that my Sir does for me…..and I cannot help but wonder how unique it rare and special it may be.
Without divulging too much of my private, non-subbie life, I was diagnosed several years ago with a condition that requires medication. It is well controlled and I follow my doctor’s instructions religiously. I carry on as normal 98% of the time. However, one of the medications has a very short “half-life.” And when one lives in a rural area, it occasionally happens that the pharmacy may be out of stock. I have learned to deal with this by making sure I call in a refill with several pills to go just in case.
Except for last week.
I called in on a Friday with only one pill left. And they were out of stock. No big deal; they usually get it in the next day. Except it was Saturday. Then Sunday. By Monday evening the darkness began to close in. Those dark thoughts and fears and sadnesses that are not usually an issue…..unless I begin to go into withdrawal from this particular medicine. The fear that I will always be too much or not enough. The thought that I have always been good enough to be a friend or to be fucked but never to love completely. All of that intangible emptiness that goes along with depression at times. And though I knew it was NOT real and that missing a weekend of doses was the culprit, the tears still flowed. I still wailed out those sobs that cause a raspy throat the next day. And I wanted Sir.
And do you know what? He did not recoil at my neediness. He did not scold my tears. He did not call me a drama queen or declare me too difficult or decide that I was too weak for Him. He is still here. He comforts, cares, and does not judge. I am not deemed unworthy of his time because I have weakness, not even because at times I have darkness.
I believe he is the first man in my life to embrace all of me….even the parts that are not always sexy and sensual and carefree.