Heading off Retreat



Life seems to have many patterns.  We all develop them.  I am not sure if it is because of the inherent vulnerability and honesty required for a D/s relationship….but D/s interaction seems to bring to light negative patterns in the way we relate to others and with ourselves.

One of my “patterns’ is what I call the “preemptive retreat.”  I learned it first when dating and perfected it in marriage.  If it seemed as if rejection or dismissal was imminent, I retreated first.  I once read a book that stated that many women have two basic fears: the fear of being too much and the fear of not being enough.  being too much was always ones of my fears.  Even though I was shy as a child, my aunt used to say affectionately that I was bigger than life….mostly because I was so creative and passionate about any creation.  

I did not create this blog to rehash old relationships, so I will not do that….but suffice it to say that I was very good at anticipating when I might have become “too much” and backing off so that I did not drive others away.  And without even fully realizing it, I have done that recently with someone who has never given me any reason to suspect I would need to employ that self-protective tactic.  In fact, I have been given every reason to trust that not only could I never be too much or not enough…even if I were He would not disappear.  We would always discuss.

And yet those old patterns are hard to completely shake off at times.  I realized over the weekend that there is another characteristic that I should add to my personal “Characteristics of a good Dominant” list.  A good Dominant will assist, guide, walk beside, and be patient with a submissive’s humanness.  He will not declare her “too much trouble” if she missteps in an area that He knows has been a struggle for her.  it is part of that care for her well-being. He does not expect a ready-made submissive with all of her kinks (lol) worked out who will require no effort.  Part of the joy for Him is in the journey, I think.

So I stopped my retreat, acknowledged it, repented of it, and received correction.  And now the slate is clean – no waiting period of purgatory for the sake of punishment.  Correction was swift, specific, and then the slate was clean again.  

And I am one step closer to putting away the preemptive retreat for good.


3 thoughts on “Heading off Retreat

  1. Self-awareness is a beautiful thing, thank you for sharing. I do a similar thing, I’m very good at retreating, actually, I’ve probably perfected the art of retreating! :))

  2. Afraid of being too much…I struggle with this every day with my Sir…but then I remind myself that since He said He would always be honest with me, and He’s never complained, He must like me just the way I am…too much or just right, either way, seems to work for Him…and yes, I completely get the retreat thing…I still find myself doing it to this day, even with my growing confidence in myself…

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