Life seems to have many patterns. We all develop them. I am not sure if it is because of the inherent vulnerability and honesty required for a D/s relationship….but D/s interaction seems to bring to light negative patterns in the way we relate to others and with ourselves.
One of my “patterns’ is what I call the “preemptive retreat.” I learned it first when dating and perfected it in marriage. If it seemed as if rejection or dismissal was imminent, I retreated first. I once read a book that stated that many women have two basic fears: the fear of being too much and the fear of not being enough. being too much was always ones of my fears. Even though I was shy as a child, my aunt used to say affectionately that I was bigger than life….mostly because I was so creative and passionate about any creation.
I did not create this blog to rehash old relationships, so I will not do that….but suffice it to say that I was very good at anticipating when I might have become “too much” and backing off so that I did not drive others away. And without even fully realizing it, I have done that recently with someone who has never given me any reason to suspect I would need to employ that self-protective tactic. In fact, I have been given every reason to trust that not only could I never be too much or not enough…even if I were He would not disappear. We would always discuss.
And yet those old patterns are hard to completely shake off at times. I realized over the weekend that there is another characteristic that I should add to my personal “Characteristics of a good Dominant” list. A good Dominant will assist, guide, walk beside, and be patient with a submissive’s humanness. He will not declare her “too much trouble” if she missteps in an area that He knows has been a struggle for her. it is part of that care for her well-being. He does not expect a ready-made submissive with all of her kinks (lol) worked out who will require no effort. Part of the joy for Him is in the journey, I think.
So I stopped my retreat, acknowledged it, repented of it, and received correction. And now the slate is clean – no waiting period of purgatory for the sake of punishment. Correction was swift, specific, and then the slate was clean again.
And I am one step closer to putting away the preemptive retreat for good.