I recently read a question on a site from a new submissive asking if Dominant men want to be chased.  it made me chuckle a bit because it was interesting to read a question in vlack and white that I admit has puzzled me from time to time.

I was raised in the south by a very etiquette minded southern woman.  She was very clear about how interactions between men and women were to be structured for a “lady.”  It was not ladylike for the lady to call the young man.  It was not ladylike for the lady to ask the young man for a date, though the traditional “Sadie Hawkins” dance could be the exception.  It was certainly NOT ladylike for the lady to initiate the first kiss….or first anything that comes after for that matter.  The lady was to allow the man to lead, and she submitted.

Now, I realize that when my mannerly mother used the word submit with me at the tender age of twelve, she was likely NOT referring to the BDSM term 😉 However, that has been long ingrained into me.  As a lady, no matter how fervent my desire, I was not to usurp the man’s role of pursuing.  I could bat eyes or send a “message”….but a bold approach?  How unseemly!

And yet I have noticed that such is not always the case in the D/s world, which intrigues me.  For surely if I an the one who initiates, I am……leading somehow?  I know that is not how it is seen in this case, but the cognitive dissonance between my mother’s voice in my head and what seems to be the opposite trend in a relationship style where the masculine/feminine appears even more…..pronounced is interesting to me.  not interesting in a “that isn’t right way,” just interesting.

I confess that the idea of asking to be considered, asking for a man’s…favor is….scary to me.  I hate the word scary actually, but I can’t think of another one.  I mean, I am not usually romantically bold in the beginning, and so the desire and pull toward someone would have to be pretty strong in the first place for me to even take the first baby step in the direction of initiating.  To actually voice it, I would have to…..want it very very badly.  And the idea of wanting something so badly, being…examined and then told, no matter how gently, “uh, no thanks”……maybe my own imagination is too acute for my own good…but I can almost feel the sting and the lump in my throat just thinking about it.

I am not certain what my point is in all of this rambling.  I do tend to talk too much and too freely.  hiding myself behind an inextricable veil of mystery has never been my strong suit.  I have been reading some fiction recently, and reading some poetry, and reading some real life accounts, and I find myself wishing I had a special lens through which to see some of these things that are just beyond my grasp. And once again I find myself in that place I am not very familiar with…the place of being just enough off-balance that I am….wishing for a hand to pull me in the “right” direction.  It doesn’t happen often, and I am never quite sure what to do about it.

So I will likely take the safest course and do nothing.  And it will pass, which is a bit of a shame because I can see farther inside myself than outside eyes can…..but…..


5 thoughts on “the….chase?

    • I have no problem with it at all, it just surprised me when I discovered it. And it’s funny. I think nothing of standing up in front of an audience and singing, acting, making comedic remarks, teaching at conferences to a room full of attendees, splashing my writing all over the web for strangers to see……but…baring my heart to someone who may not be interesting in receiving it…..makes my knees knock together 🙂

  1. Standing in front of an audience and singing, dancing, or teaching — negatory. Improv is more my gig; being funny when I’m not trying to be funny. I enjoy an audience of one.

    Splashing my writings all over the internet. Guilty as charged.

    The submissive’s role in putting herself out there for the Dominant to accept or reject is surprising to me too. But, in some ways it makes sense. In the Vanilla world, it is generally the men who put themselves out there for the women to accept or reject. This gives the women the upper hand. In the Kinky world, the exact opposite holds true. Drilling deeper, it is a relationship that starts with the submissive putting herself in a position of vulnerability from step one, should she hopefully be accepted by the Dominant of her choice.

    I would hope a submissive would only offer herself to a Dominant she feels overwhelmingly compelled to serve. I see ads on Fetlife where it seems like they are hiring for a job when looking for their next submissive. That just seems so impersonal to me. I have offered myself to one who has rejected me and later invested in me, but has always kept me on a string one way or another. It is alarmingly uncomfortable.

    The actual rejection part made me sad. I didn’t feel like he found me unworthy, I felt like I gave a poor showing of myself, and therefore, I had done a disservice to him. I never forgot about him. But it doesn’t matter who it is, after a certain point you just have to say–this is me. If you don’t want me, then that’s okay. I am still worthy of “fill in the blank with what it is I need” even if that person doesn’t want to be the one who gives it to you.

    It does seem like the submissive initiates things even beyond offering her submission, but usually I feel my Dominant pulling my strings to do so. I want to obey him, even when he is not directly telling me to do something. That means paying attention to the unspoken, as well as the spoken. Sometimes I just completely mess it all up and retreat.

  2. I put this question to my twitter followers awhile ago. Not necessarily in regards to d/s, but more on the lines of dating. Do men like the chase, or the sure thing? Meaning, do they want to chase a woman and see if it will lead anywhere, or do they prefer a woman who is upfront and in a way, chasing them, the “sure thing”? Interestingly, most men wanted both. They wanted to know a woman was interested so that the chase wouldn’t be at a loss. But there were still some men out there who preferred the chase. For me, I think sometimes being a sure thing means they can just put you on the back burner while they pursue someone else. Then when that falls through, they can come back to the sure thing. For the record, I am always going to let a man know of my interest. I can’t help it. If I like him, I want him to know I am interested. That way, he can choose to do what he wants with that info.

  3. Very interesting, both your post and comments. Not sure what I would do and I am glad I don’t have to think about that at this time.

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