I recently read a question on a site from a new submissive asking if Dominant men want to be chased. it made me chuckle a bit because it was interesting to read a question in vlack and white that I admit has puzzled me from time to time.
I was raised in the south by a very etiquette minded southern woman. She was very clear about how interactions between men and women were to be structured for a “lady.” It was not ladylike for the lady to call the young man. It was not ladylike for the lady to ask the young man for a date, though the traditional “Sadie Hawkins” dance could be the exception. It was certainly NOT ladylike for the lady to initiate the first kiss….or first anything that comes after for that matter. The lady was to allow the man to lead, and she submitted.
Now, I realize that when my mannerly mother used the word submit with me at the tender age of twelve, she was likely NOT referring to the BDSM term 😉 However, that has been long ingrained into me. As a lady, no matter how fervent my desire, I was not to usurp the man’s role of pursuing. I could bat eyes or send a “message”….but a bold approach? How unseemly!
And yet I have noticed that such is not always the case in the D/s world, which intrigues me. For surely if I an the one who initiates, I am……leading somehow? I know that is not how it is seen in this case, but the cognitive dissonance between my mother’s voice in my head and what seems to be the opposite trend in a relationship style where the masculine/feminine appears even more…..pronounced is interesting to me. not interesting in a “that isn’t right way,” just interesting.
I confess that the idea of asking to be considered, asking for a man’s…favor is….scary to me. I hate the word scary actually, but I can’t think of another one. I mean, I am not usually romantically bold in the beginning, and so the desire and pull toward someone would have to be pretty strong in the first place for me to even take the first baby step in the direction of initiating. To actually voice it, I would have to…..want it very very badly. And the idea of wanting something so badly, being…examined and then told, no matter how gently, “uh, no thanks”……maybe my own imagination is too acute for my own good…but I can almost feel the sting and the lump in my throat just thinking about it.
I am not certain what my point is in all of this rambling. I do tend to talk too much and too freely. hiding myself behind an inextricable veil of mystery has never been my strong suit. I have been reading some fiction recently, and reading some poetry, and reading some real life accounts, and I find myself wishing I had a special lens through which to see some of these things that are just beyond my grasp. And once again I find myself in that place I am not very familiar with…the place of being just enough off-balance that I am….wishing for a hand to pull me in the “right” direction. It doesn’t happen often, and I am never quite sure what to do about it.
So I will likely take the safest course and do nothing. And it will pass, which is a bit of a shame because I can see farther inside myself than outside eyes can…..but…..