This post has been inspired by MariMar – a gifted blogger who re-blogged an excellent piece about spotting frauds claiming to be Dominants.  It offers some great red-flags.

Is there any greater challenge in the world of D/s, than that of a sub seeking a Dominant?  Not just a Dominant, but a  Dominant who shares her perspective of the lifestyle.  A Dominant with whom she can communicate.  A Dominant who will treasure her and understand the precious gift she offers.

The very nature of the submissive soul places her in a vulnerable state, and if she is young or inexperienced it is a formidable task at best.  Not just because finding a compatible match is difficult in itself, but because the field of potential suitors is riddled with frauds, liars, domineering egotistical men who prey on the vulnerable – and – well – you get the point.  Even for a…

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  1. I posted this on another blog related to the same info and I’m going to post it here as well. Thank you for sharing this. I think most of this information is really handy for new submissives. I think the key is to spend time talking and getting to know each other as equals. Until you’ve come to an agreement, you are just equals. As an experienced player, I know what I need, I know what I want and I know what it looks like. I’ve been playing for almost 20 years (I started young in the local BDSM community in a large city), so I’m experienced enough to know how to trust my instincts, but I didn’t get that way over night.

    A few comments I had:

    1)just because the Dom or sub, for that matter, is young, doesn’t mean they don’t have 10 years experience. Someone who is under 35 could easily have 10 years experience. I don’t necessary think that is a red flag, what’s a red flag is when the Dom or sub can’t articulate what they want or need, their limits and boundaries or why this type of relationship works for them.

    2)Some people don’t have the ability to have local ties to the community, they may not live in a place that has a community. I don’t think that’s a deal breaker. Again, I think the key is asking open ended questions and as a submissive, not being afraid to ask lots of questions. A good Dom is going to want to answer them, he is going to offer up information and be able to back it up. He does what he says he is going to do.

    3)Paying for things – I think it’s perfectly ok for a sub to have her own toys and toy bag, actually, I think she should be encourage too, especially if the Dom & sub are only casual play partners. I think some toys should be sub specific, things like dildos and plugs, etc. Regarding paying for meals, hotels, etc., it’s hard to generalize something like this as a red flag, even in the vanilla world, the man doesn’t pay for everything any more. I think this really depends more on the nature of the relationship between the Dom/sub.

    4)The Sadist – There are many wonderful Doms who are sadists as well. There is nothing wrong with Doms who are sadists and get sexual gratification from sadistic behavior as long as it’s consensual. My own Sir is a sadist Dom. Spend any amount of time reading my blog and you’ll see how much he enjoys torturing me, but he also enjoys taking care of me. He pushes me far for his own delight and when I think I can take no more, he pushes me further, but when he is done, he is always standing over me with his hand outstretched ready to bring me into his arms and most importantly, this is consensual.

    Overall – I think the key take-away here for a new submissive is to figure out what type of Dom you want, write it down, etc., and then ask the right type of probing questions, and trust your instincts. References are great as well, but weigh them properly, no one is ever going to provide a reference that is a bad reference for them. The other key take-away – don’t rush into something, listen to how the Dom responds to your questions, and ask for clarification. Don’t be afraid to politely decline if they want to see you again, but you, for what ever reason, don’t. They won’t be the last Dom to come your way!

    I met my Sir online, we had a few email & IM conversations, and we both pushed to meet in public quickly to determine if there was any type of connection (fortunately, we work near each other so meeting quickly was an easy thing to do). I walked out, after having drinks with him, knowing that he was what I had been looking for. Clearly, he felt the same way because now he owns me. But, I also had coffee with probably about 12 other Doms who I knew after talking to them that it would not be a good fit. I trusted my instincts, I trusted that voice inside that said “this won’t work the way you want or need it to work” and I wasn’t afraid to politely thank the Dom for meeting me for coffee, but that I just didn’t think it would be a good fit. Never be afraid to say that.

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