Knowing is half the battle

I hope that thegirlspashn will allow me to use her comment on one of my recent posts as a springboard for this post.

“Please don’t take a break. I think writing can be cathartic in many ways. Submission is hard. I think you should talk to your Sir, ask him if you may speak freely about some things that are concerning you. I am sure he would want to know if you are in emotional distress. Nothing is worse than not asking, nothing more disastrous than allowing your mind to build up a thought that may or may not be true, a very slippery slope. I always find that asking what is going on and hearing the truth from the person, although maybe more hurtful and difficult, eases my mind because than at least I know what’s going on.”  

Very wise words.  When I started this blog, one of several reasons was so that I would have some place to share.  I do not discuss my intimate life with people I see every day.  Even my best friend, though she knows I have a dear friend miles away, does not know all of the particulars.  I have a friend who is a few years older who was a submissive in her marriage, but she also has her own life, and I am just not one to….ask other people to carry my load.  So an anonymous blag was a place to share some of the most intimate things that just couldn’t be kept inside.  A bit ironic, I know.

I have wondered whether to post this part of the story.  It isn’t some heart rate increasing erotic scene or a tear-of-sweetness inducing anecdote.  Are submissives supposed to be sad….or even angry?  I have long had that fear that I am desirable only as long as I am smiling.  Which is a pretty high standard for a human being to hold themselves to. Ick, I hate ending a sentence with a preposition. 🙂

Distance is hard.  So is being at different places in life.  Without revealing too much about my own life, let’s just say that I am at a place in life where I am still responsible for a couple of other people.  Sir has passed that stage in life.  He is freer to pursue whatever He needs to whenever He needs to.  I also think that in some ways Dominance is harder to experience via distance than submission.    Every time I am obeying Him I am in the room with myself, so to speak, experiencing it.  But let’s face it, Men are visual, tactile.  I think it is harder in some ways for Him to derive the same intensity that I do.

Well, beating around the bush is no fun to read, is it?  Sir and I began as friends.  And that is the direction we are taking again.  I am not sure how it will work.  In short, I love Him.  But He is a good Man.  I don;t want to lose Him completely.  He wants me to call Him by His name now.  I won;t do it on a blog of course out of respect for His privacy.  But the idea of not saying Sir makes me sad.

So blog readers….I am incredibly sad.  Heartbroken.  I cannot decide if I want to leave the blog for now or continue.  I am loathe to go on and on about my pain in front of others. Honestly, it tends to drive away.  But in this lifestyle sometimes there are endings.  That is the way it is.  And endings hurt.  But then after the hurt and some time, there are also beginnings.  I will be okay.

But I am glad I know.  I had sensed it, and knowing “something” is off is in some ways much more difficult than just…facing it.  I respect and care for Him.  I will likely love Him for a long time.  I learned so much.  And now I will learn something different.

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4 thoughts on “Knowing is half the battle

  1. I am so sorry to read this. Endings are difficult especially in D/s relationships where the intensity is unlike anything else. I hope he will help guide you through this transition period, given the depth of your feelings for him.

    I hope you continue to write, use this as a forum to process your feelings and when you find your next Sir, because you will, you’ll be able to look back and see how much you’ve grown in your submission, and that is what’s most important.

    And, thank you for using my comment, I am honored.

    xo

    ~pashn

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