Warning: this will not be a pleasant post. It is difficult for me to write….very difficult. Sir did not make it a “command’ that I write it, but He did mention that it might be cathartic, that there is some safety in relative anonymity, and that…..someone somewhere might be helped. And He knows me well enough to know that one of the most healing things for me when crisis ensues is to learn from it so that I can help someone else.
Sir and I are separated by more miles than I like to think about at times. He had encouraged me to reach out for some more friendships in this lifestyle for support. I am not sure why I did not go straight to the learning community of which I am a part online. But….I had heard of this other place, and I thought there might be people who were closer by with whom I could talk.
I am not typically a weak woman. Or impulsive. But for some reason I did not have my guard in place. it is one of many possible reasons that, within 24 hours, I had allowed someone to worm his way into my space. And in the space of a day, he tried to convince….insist…demand the following things of me:
naked and suggestive pictures posted to a public space
calling myself various very ugly names
inserting fingers into my ass, thrusting, and then…..cleaning my fingers with my mouth
pressure to neglect my kids in favor of doing his bidding
Yes, I realize that I did not capitalize any of those pronouns. And that is a breach of etiquette, something about which I usually feel very strongly. But……I did not sleep last night, and I woke this morning feeling like….garbage. Dirty (and not the fun kind). In short…abused. And terrified. I have cried and broken out into the shakes more than once.
it was the first time since my journey began that I have truly been disillusioned. Sir asks much of me….but I know Him, and I trust Him, and we have invested many months to get to this point. I know He cares for me…deeply. I am not just a receptacle for His pleasure or an object for Him to humiliate. Don’t get me wrong…..our times are very intense, and He has a…..side inside Him. But He did not contact me, twist me, and in a matter of hours begin demanding that I call myself slut/whore.chattle/property and to not talk with anyone else – only Him.
I have read with a kind of horrified theoretical understanding the warnings that are in articles and blogs. About when to “run like hell.” I wondered just how common those scenarios were. Now I know. Sir suggested this for ME….because I feel somewhat isolated in this lifestyle due to geographical location. He is…broken that it became traumatic.
I realize once again how lucky I am.