the fear

Warning: this will not be a pleasant post.  It is difficult for me to write….very difficult.  Sir did not make it a “command’ that I write it, but He did mention that it might be cathartic, that there is some safety in relative anonymity, and that…..someone somewhere might be helped.  And He knows me well enough to know that one of the most healing things for me when crisis ensues is to learn from it so that I can help someone else.

Sir and I are separated by more miles than I like to think about at times.  He had encouraged me to reach out for some more friendships in this lifestyle for support.  I am not sure why I did not go straight to the learning community of which I am a part online.  But….I had heard of this other place, and I thought there might be people who were closer by with whom I could talk.

I am not typically a weak woman. Or impulsive.  But for some reason I did not have my guard in place.  it is one of many possible reasons that, within 24 hours, I had allowed someone to worm his way into my space.  And in the space of a day, he tried to convince….insist…demand the following things of me:

naked and suggestive pictures posted to a public space

calling myself various very ugly names

inserting fingers into my ass, thrusting, and then…..cleaning my fingers with my mouth

pressure to neglect my kids in favor of doing his bidding

Yes, I realize that I did not capitalize any of those pronouns. And that is a breach of etiquette, something about which I usually feel very strongly.  But……I did not sleep last night, and I woke this morning feeling like….garbage.  Dirty (and not the fun kind).  In short…abused.  And terrified.  I have cried and broken out into the shakes more than once.

it was the first time since my journey began that I have truly been disillusioned.  Sir asks much of me….but I know Him, and I trust Him, and we have invested many months to get to this point.  I know He cares for me…deeply.  I am not just a receptacle for His pleasure or an object for Him to humiliate.  Don’t get me wrong…..our times are very intense, and He has a…..side inside Him.  But He did not contact me, twist me, and in a matter of hours begin demanding that I call myself slut/whore.chattle/property and to not talk with anyone else – only Him.

I have read with a kind of horrified theoretical understanding the warnings that are in articles and blogs.  About when to “run like hell.”  I wondered just how common those scenarios were.  Now I know.  Sir suggested this for ME….because I feel somewhat isolated in this lifestyle due to geographical location.  He is…broken that it became traumatic.  

I realize once again how lucky I am.

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8 thoughts on “the fear

  1. Wow, thanks for sharing. I have a saying I live by “I may be a submissive, but I’m not your submissive”. I’ve said that to a number of wanna-be Doms and quite frankly, it has chased off several wanna-be Doms that have tried to push their so called dominance in my face. It’s a handy line because I find that these types of Doms don’t like challenge, they think they are above it and they tend to move on quickly when I set that boundary.

    I believe that any Dom worth his weight knows that submission is a gift and can’t be forced. He’ll sit back and wait, yes, he’ll make his interests clearly known, but he will cultivate trust and respect and will be open and honest in his behavior. He will take the time to get to know what a submissive wants, because he wants to give it to her. And, he’ll be open to listening to her and when the time is right, discussing an arrangement that meets both sets of needs, wants and desires.

    • yes, I am still trying to figure out why I “froze.” Looking back this afternoon over the past couple of weeks or so….I can see how some “puzzle pieces” made me a bit “off my game” with regard to guarding myself.

  2. I Liked this as a show of strength. Your strength. It took that to do as you did. Your Sir is correct in that you will feel better for lancing this ugly would and letting the pus that is that so called dominant (I too choose to lower case in regards to this maggot) out from under your skin. Your healing will begin, you’ll feel better, and in the long run be a better person for facing it head on.

  3. I am with the Dom Next door as far as why I “like” this post.
    Some “doms” have a way to squirm into our lives and tapping into that submissiveness. They are predators and they are good at what they do. I am sorry you ran across a scum like that. 😦
    But I am glad that you are healing and yes your post will help others. Trust me in that.
    *big hug*

  4. Hugs!

    I do hope you feel better for sharing this. I am glad you did. Perhaps in a few months you can even delete this post because the whole incident is now forgettable, the emotional impact gone. In the meantime, curses to the maggot!

    Big, big hugs.

    • Thank you. It is a lesson learned. I just hope that any sub who might be reading takes away the lesson that time and trust are very important….and anyone who pushes to rush that and makes demands right off the bat is to be avoided.

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