lesson in courage

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Sir has decided to quit smoking.

When Sir and I began corresponding and then talking on the phone, I had no idea he smoked. In fact, until I met Him for the first time in person, I did not know He smoked.  He is so very health conscious, fit, and into nutrition, I just assumed He was not a smoker.  It was not a deal-breaker for me.  he was and is always very polite, never smokes inside, always brushes His teeth 🙂  And besides, by the time I actually met Him for real…I was so besotted that unless He had lit ME on fire I wouldn’t have cared anyway (smile).

But now, for various reasons including health, He has decided to quit.  I have no doubt that He is.  When He decides something, He does it.  Period.  However, He did tell me that He wasn’t sure what His moods would be during withdrawal and if He considered Himself volatile or too moody He might become a hermit for a few days here and there.  He has been a bit detached but not as much so as I thought.  he also made a comment that rings uncomfortably true.  This will be a good learning experience for me in courage.  The courage to ask for what I need.

There are varied reasons why I am not as “brave” about this as I should be.  Most of it has to do with past baggage I am learning to lay aside.  Part of it is my upbringing melding with my own growing understanding of submission, and how they do not always mesh.  My M.O. has always been…if I reach out and someone does not seem overly responsive, I back off.  I would not want to seem….needy/obnoxious/unladylike/stalkerish/etc.  And, well, let’s just say that in 8th grade I was grounded for a month for calling a boy.  In my house – the girl does not call the boy.  That is forward.  The BOY pursues.

When I first began reading about D/s – articles and learning sites, I remember reading in a few places that the submissive is to ask the Dominant for consideration.  Boy was I thankful Sir and I were already together.  I can’t imagine anything more mortifying than getting to know a Dominant enough to want to serve Him, asking for something so…intimate…and hearing…”eh, I don;t think so.”  

But I digress…….So Sir has not slept well and is somewhat detached.  He has not commented at all on the last few assignments I have sent Him nor the infraction I confessed.  I am not whining. I am not an attention hog.  But I find myself at that place.  Where I am a little hesitant to send Him the funny email about work or the mushy moment I had where I just wanted to tell Him how much I appreciate ______.  I realize the irony.  Just a day or two ago I posted about how much Sir has helped me to grow in this.  And He has. I just realized today when I pondered over whether to send Him a song I had found that I have more growing to do.  That I need more courage to put myself out there regardless – just because it is who I am.

Sigh….I just love growing pains.

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7 thoughts on “lesson in courage

  1. It takes courage and risk to ask for what you need. The worst he can say is no and if he does, then it’s a great learning lesson in acceptance. Submission is not easy, but the pain of growth and being stretched is beautiful!

  2. Pingback: Speaking of Risk and Rejection… « thedreamingsub

  3. First, I commend him for doing so. Its a disgusting habit that has no benefit whatsoever.

    In a bit of irony he will be experiencing some of the same space you do when you play. View it as you may, nicotine is a mother fucker of a Sir/Domme. When he gaIns command of his cravings he will likely be a much better Sir for the experience.

  4. I do the exact same thing – don’t respond to this, I hesitate to send that…my Sir has already gotten on to me a couple of times that He wants to know, He wants to receive it, and I’m not allowed to let my past continue dictating my interactions with Him…it’s hard to remember sometimes, but when I do, I’m rewarded for it in unexpected ways… 🙂

    Good for him to quitting. My Sir is working on that, too…

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