I was going to say that it is dangerous to post when I am……pondering and melancholy.  But dangerous is a poor word to choose.  After all, no harm is going to come to me.  Precarious…yes, that is much better.  Because if I am careful, I can balance emotion with restraint.  But it’s a precarious balance.

I know, I know.  Most of the time posts on this type of blog are filled with duties and chores and commands, or they are comprised of erotic tales of trysts or wild nights (thank you Emily Dickinson).  I have those too.  But every once in awhile I pull into myself and think and feel and “navel-gaze.”  Normally navel gazing and inner monologues are not my thing.  Well, honestly, they are a thing that I have to tread into with care, so I try to avoid them.  Not to mention that when I write in such a state I rarely make sense unless the reader is listening with that……odd understanding.

I haven’t done research, but I wonder how many submissives there are who are neither young nor old.  I would say I fall squarely into that category.  I am no longer a nubile, completely innocent, apprehensive girl in my twenties, though in some ways I am very new to this new exploration.  Neither am I a seasoned slave who often seems to be married to her Dominant or to have turned more to mentoring other younger subs rather than partaking herself.  I do have a friend like that; I had no idea until I finally worked up the courage to tell her what I had been reading and she chuckled and told me that 1)she was not surprised and 2)she had also been submissive to her now ex husband for many years.

I believe I have a healthy self-perception.  I know my strengths and my weaknesses.  I know which old habits I still need to work hard to avoid.  I have learned the art of using google calendar to make sure I don’t forget details. I do not have to argue with authority, but neither do I cave immediately to just anyone.  There was a list that was erroneously attributed to Andy Rooney one time in which the writer talked about why he loved women over 40.  That list feels comfortable to me.  And I have no desire to turn back time.

Still…..I wonder sometimes.  For the new woman who may find herself as I did….in the middle of life and finally beginning to embrace living the way her heart has always wanted to….

I am not sure where this rambling is going.  Just questions and observations I suppose.  Truth be told, I can sense that my life is about to change…no, not some silly psychic fol-de-roll (I have wanted to use that phrase ever since being in Cinderella a couple of years ago).  I can just tell.  That is another thing that comes with age and living.  It is easier to see a change in circumstances on the horizon.

I am very glad that I have all of Austen’s and the Bronte sisters’ novels on my ipad……


One thought on “precarious

  1. I call it going into my head…you call it navel-gazing (I like that by the way)…I’m starting to wonder if it’s a submissive trait (or at the very least a NEW submissive trait…)…but I guess my whole point to this is that I get it…and you’re not the only one who might ramble through her blog. 🙂

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